Assalam o Alaikum! Allah Subhan Wa Ta’ala (embarrassed laughter),
I don’t know where to begin with when I talk to You. You don’t need the dua of salamti that I begin my sentences with. So, Hi may be? Allah Ta’ala I want to be Your friend as absurd as it sounds. I really do. I mean I know You made me and I am a creature and friendship with You is a really big deal but that still is my hope and desire because as a human I have limitless desires.
Ya Allah, sometimes I am so thankful that You made me and then made me a human. Often I want to learn more good, apply more good and inspire people, so You’ll like me more. But then I end up getting sad very often, I end up crying and hurting the people. I wanted to inspire.
Ya Allah, do You know I am so incapable that I can’t even be nice to the people I love even when I really want to be? I have zero self-control and I am probably the worst human I know of.
Ya Allah, I get so upset when I remember all my prayers that You haven’t answered yet. You know Shaitan? He often makes me think that I am a hopeless case and You won’t ever love me. But then, someone comes along and tells me Allah loves me 70 times than that of my own mother and that straightens up things for me because she never hates me. So, maybe You don’t either.
Ya Allah, I am limited in my potentials to ever understand the realities of this world or those that exist beyond and before. I can’t imagine what sort of extreme love and compassion You might have for someone like me: someone who barely qualifies to the dignity of human name. But Allah, I often think I love You. I often feel it to the extent that it takes my sleep away. I have heard that when humans fall in love this is what happens. In my all creature-like capacity, this is what I perceive of our relationship but then I wake up late the next day because I overslept as I slept late and maybe end up missing Fajar or Zuhr prayers. Then it’s all gone.
I can’t blame myself enough for not loving You as You deserve. I can’t blame myself enough for not letting my actions prove it. Allah Ta’ala, surely You must know how much of self-loathing I carry in my heart because I can’t own up to what I think You expect of me. But Ya Allah, can’t we still be friends? I will be like the friend who keeps nudging and tugging and asking for things and You can yield when you think it is best for me.
I will keep praying for all the worldly and otherworldly things but I will remember to say that: This is my heart’s desire but surely You know better. I will try to honour your superiority more. Can we be better friends now? Can we please?
Because You weren’t born, on my birthdays, I will pray to You before I can talk to anyone else, so we celebrate together first? And then, when something bad happens, I will try to talk to You and connect with You first, so I don’t fall apart in front of others. But Ya Allah, when I love someone too much, I end up hurting them. Is this what I keep doing to You?
I feel like my brain and heart are too small, too immature, ever too incapable to be completely Yours forever. But O Allah, dearest Allah, I try to love You as best as I can. I get angry in all this love and I get hurt when I feel like You don’t listen to me. But isn’t that because I am a human and that’s my human way of perceiving love. I don’t know. I don’t know. Can we please be friends or better ones still? Can You forgive me for all the messes I have made. Can You help me be a better person?
Ya Allah, this world keeps making me emptier by the days, yet I keep on asking You to make both my lives amazing because I have hope in You. Even at my darkest, I do. And I am thankful for that. Ya Allah, I am such a cry baby, weirdo but don’t I do cute things every now and then that make You happy that You made me? I hope I do.
I hope some of these days You are looking at me so happily ’cause I am doing some tiny good and in my mind, I imagine it shining as a ray from the world reaching You and You nodding to it. I know that’s weird and wrong of me but I am human, imaginative and so I also imagine that right now the Angel on my right shoulder is smiling and scribbling something good about me. And then smiling because I have a funny perception of it.
I don’t know may be it holds a really pretty golden quill with feathers and parchments. I don’t know Allah. All I know is that I have, for as long as I remember, felt a void in me. I know that this feeling I have is stronger in me than in others that I know of. And I hope that may be somehow in my heart and soul, I have a bigger space for You. So would You let my heart be a host? Would You make it go crazy for You because that would be great.
This life, ya Allah, will never ever be enough but I have come to realize that in this ever hard phase of my existence, I need to keep retiring to You, and coil back to You until You take me completely. All I know is that when You do, I want You to be so happy to welcome me back and I want to make our Prophet so proud, it overwhelms my small existence even then. I want to hear Your voice and be in Jannah because I want to be closer to You as I want to keep falling in love with You forever.
Ya Allah, I hope I love You enough for Your acceptance and happiness, and I hope that You are proud of me and then I hope that while my Faani self lasts in this world, I remember that Your rope is the only hope I have to look for each time I look for what I feel is lost. I hope that someday when my Fana meets Your Baqa, I am happy that this life ended. I am happy that I was but You were and are.